Conflict Resolution

What a wonderful weekend! Sun, blue sky and if you live in my part of the world, beautiful countryside. I have been sitting in the garden (alone after a lovely bbq with family), by the firepit, reading as the sun went down. A tiny kitten cat decided she wanted to be part of the family and my cats decided she was not wanted! Bless her, she tried, tried and tried again. In fact, after some fierce hissing and aggressive poses our two cats lost interest and went indoors!

That little cat reminded me of how sometimes we have to work hard to get what we want. If we stop at the first barrier, we may never get what we aspire to. In order to reach our goal, we may have to be very persistent and willing to assert ourselves in the face of opposition!

How difficult is it for you to face conflict? If you find it hard, how is that affecting your success in life, relationships, career, etc? In my coaching work I find that many managers find it difficult to be assertive and say what they need to say. This has a detrimental effect on the team when an individual is not pulling their weight, or is behaving badly. Often this is to do with the manager's own sense of self and personal issues of confidence and self-esteem. It is hard to have difficult conversations but if we avoid them  then sooner or later the situation becomes much worse.

Some  people experience a sort of paralysing reversion to childhood during conflict situations. They go back to the days when their father/mother/teacher/or someone else in authority made them feel silly/stupid/bad and they relive those emotions as children, despite being adults. That renders them incapable of actually being rational, assertive and confident. In the confusion the other person makes their point and wins!

The best way to manage this is first to take some long deep breaths, (to avoid the panic and fight or flight response, give you space and help clear your head) then decide whether or not it is worth arguing your point or giving way. If you decide to stay and fight, you need to be in your adult ego state,  not your child or critical parent. Stick to the facts, ask questions, even apologise (or ask for an apology) if it is appropriate. Stay focussed on your goal, which is to manage the situation so that both you and the other person ends up feeling ok, regardless of the results. You may get your own way or you may not, but whether or not you win in the end or "lose", the way you conduct yourself will make you feel better afterwards. (Well she didn't agree but at least I made my point-I think she will be more careful next time!) It is not an easy thing to do, but with practice, confidence increases and your ability to deal with difficult situations will be much improved.

As a coach I have sometimes found it frustrating when people have agreed to have six coaching sessions and at the beginning of session four still haven't done anything they had verbally agreed they wanted to do. Recently I had to challenge a client with this and remind her that we only had two more sessions left to achieve  her goal. This led to a really honest discussion and the real crux of the matter finally came to light. The powerful question I asked was: What are you getting out of not doing anything? The honest, reflective answer was"Safety." So I asked "So what are you not getting by not doing anything?" and she went away and thought about this. The next session she had done everything planned and things had changed She said she didn't want to come to the end of her life and look back and think- "I could have done ...If only I had....

By the end of the coaching relationship the client said she had made a big shift in her thinking and was looking forward to several quite challenging changes in her life. Now it was me that felt a little unsure and reluctant to let go! I felt she needed more support to make these changes. However, looking back I felt relieved and optimistic. The client had taken longer than usual to "get" coaching and had finally understood what she needed to do to improve her life. Take a few "safe" risks to start with, then go on from there. Looking at what she had already managed to achieve in such a very short time, I really thought she could get to the place she really wanted to be. I just hope she lets me know how it turns out....